I’m writing this on a Friday evening and we’re all snuggled inside, because Saint Louis is covered in ice right now. Instead of a busy evening of birthday and christmas celebrations, we stayed home. After a long week, it felt like a sweet gift to our tired family. Jordan has been working these 28 hour shifts every few days and Ruby and I both have been sick. So, we ate popcorn for dinner, did some forgotten chores, and drank hot chocolate. It almost felt like a free evening to do nothing and to not feel bad about it, and we definitely needed it.
Our home is especially cozy right now. Even when cluttered with crayons or toys, it still feels welcoming. And finally the getting some good light now that our giant trees have lost their leaves.
Ruby and I have been a little under the weather, so that has meant for many days at home and all of the snuggles. It seems like it’s been like this for a few weeks. I’m not used to Ruby being needy, she typically does a good job of playing on her own and taking long naps. So when she was sick, teething, and not napping it felt a little much for me. She’s needed to be by me at all times. I was starting to feel a little bad that I was frustrated and annoyed by her more than not. One day this week Ruby dove head first off our bed. She just stood up and started running and I couldn’t catch her in time. I was so frightened that she really hurt herself, because her landing was not graceful. Thankfully she was fine, a little shaken up and a cut on her lip. Afterward I made her a bottle, turned on a Christmas movie and we snuggled on the couch for the entire day. It felt like a dream. I put aside my phone, the computer, and we laughed and took it easy. And I didn’t worry one bit about being a bad mother for too much screen time. I’m typically pretty good about enjoying life in the moment, but for some reason when it comes to motherhood I’m terrible at it. While naturally a homebody, it’s completely different when a toddler is dictating how I spend my time. I prefer to bounce from project to project, but she needs to go with me, or may not want to. I can often feel constrained by motherhood and all that comes with it. I’m not naturally as maternal as many moms that I see. I don’t care if Ruby just eats popcorn for dinner or that she doesn’t know any numbers or letters at 18 months. But, when things are hard I suddenly think about all those things and just get overwhelmed.
It just took stepping back and realizing how thankful I am for this sweet girl, to come back to earth. To remind me that I am incredibly thankful to be her mama. She’s teaching me to make the most of this time and to enjoy the snuggles.
I’m also learning that it’s ok if I don’t enjoy all aspects of motherhood. It’s challenging and tiring. Do you see that crayon and those crayons on the table in the second photo? We spent an hour, 60 minutes working on picking them up. And then a little while later they ended up everywhere again. Instead of spending another hour getting Ruby to pick them up, I left them, put on our coats and headed to the YMCA for the childcare and sat in the lobby and worked on this blog.
Sometimes just taking a break and getting my mind off of motherhood and doing something that I enjoy helps me to reset a little. Now that Ruby is only taking one nap and recently is super clingy, I need to work to do this. But, it’s worth it, because then it makes moments like these so much sweeter.
Also, this outfit has been on repeat lately. A warm cardigan over a t-shirt, jeans, and Ugg boots. If this was for a style post or if I wasn’t hanging out at home, I would have worn a different boot. But, this is my first winter with these guys, and I never want to take them off. They’re so warm! I’ve honestly have never been a fan, but mostly because I couldn’t afford them. But, I found a very discounted pair at Last Chance when we were in Phoenix and I’m all about warmth and comfort in this season. So, I am working on making them a thing. 🙂 All of this rambling to say that this time of year is both sweet and exhausting. And the same goes for motherhood. Cheers to taking a step back, doing some soul searching, working it out, and making the most of this time.
I love you all and hope that you’re making the most of this Christmas season.